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NO! NO I'M NOT!
I'm currently looking for the NEXT Ex-Mrs. SlappyJack.
12 Nov 2005On your public Daily Activity Log:
Work out all you want, you're still gonna look like that.
And it ain't helping.
6 Nov 2005it's nice to find out you were part of the collateral damage of a failed feminist experiment.
Glad you managed to find yourself.
Now go be independent with your own fucking last name.
2 Nov 2005FROM TODAYS EMAIL CONVERSATION WITH THE BOYS:
What I really wanna know - can you PLAY an ewok in the MMO Star Wars game? Are they IN the game? If so, do people play evil characters just so they can wholesale slaughter the little fuckers? I'd pay $9.95 a month to be able to do that. Hell, I'd make it my characters driving force to subjugate the entire race of ewoks and make them my slaves - then I'd shave them and fuck their women.
THE REPLY FROM CFNO:
23 Sep 2005If you really wanna be my friend, you'll specifically buy me this Jesus t-shirt
25 Jul 2005Want to be my friend? Buy me one of These! (Gigabyte size, please)
The sheer coolness of this will make you my friend instantly. It will even bump those of you on the "Hate with a Passion" list to "Might piss on if they're on fire" list.
That is all.
21 Jul 2005Google Maps meets HotorNot!
really, if you cant find someone to meet with now, the internet has FAILED!
7 Jul 2005I AM FINE. So are all my peeps.
I was away from the office in central london when most of this went down, in a webhosting facility thats built similarly to NORAD.
We didn't even know shit was fucked before we walked by the bub and saw everyone staring at the TV, and it started raining. Two pints of Giness ddin;t take the edge off seeing Hopalong Georgie on the TV.
I'm using a bud's computer until I safely get my baby delivered back to me. Updates forthcoming as possible.
In good news, the rain finally broke abuot a half hour ago.
A) Thanks for caring
7 Jul 2005Actually, its a little too warm here now.
3 days to vegas, and THIS.
16 May 2005The first part of this is hysterically funny
The neo-partiotic comments afterwards turn my stomach, but whatever.
7 May 2005actual life conversation:
"Hey! The DVD is still playing!"
"Well, it's not like we're missing anything."
"No! There's actual plot and stuff!"
28 Apr 2005Wannt teach your kid to read?
WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT USE THESE HORRIFYINGLY AWFUL PHONICS FLASH CARDS
I mean, LOOK at those things. Those are fuking awful.
16 Apr 2005Epiphany for today:
You can tell a lot about a man by his desktop image.
1 Apr 2005Now, while I dont think the Pope slowly dying is funny; I DO think this is.
23 Jan 2005I have seen the coolest car commerical ever.
I'd buy one of these now.
19 Jan 2005From a conversation RIGHT NOW:
I love my cigarette.
I'd fuck it if I could.
11 Dec 2004Idiotic Booth Superstition:
During the running of our show, the projections department will not wear shoes.
We did once, and we blew a cue during the show.
Shoes off, no mistakes.
28 Nov 2004Most Relevant Election Statistic Ever.
I mean, really.
21 Nov 2004Overheard at work just now:
This year... I'm feeling EXTRA large...
26 Sep 2004Dear Southwest Airlines,
Commercials that consist of nothing but a closeup of a screen with typing sounds in the background and not only passe, but sucked ass to start with.
Please stop it.
11 Sep 2004Third anniversary of 9/11, and we're still a bunch of fucking morons over it.
WE ARE NOT SPECIAL.
now i'm just waiting for all the retarded email forwards with the "united we stand - do not forget" theme.
16 Aug 2004Its called Doing a Lynndie, and it's awful yet brilliant.
Get on it.
20 Jul 2004H.R. 3313 is a complete violation of our rights as citizens. Write your congressman now.
26 Jun 2004TINFOIL IS YOUR FRIEND!
10 Jun 2004Quite possibly the Silliest Online Personal Ad I've been shown in a long time
WARNING: GIANT COCK ALERT! WORKPLACE DANGER!
12 May 2004I just watched the coolest movie yesterday: William Gibson - No Maps for These Territories
Get it at the site, or on amazon
27 Jan 2004Its called the motherfucking shocker, and since high school kids now do it, it's no longer cool.
26 Jan 2004This American Life, the greatest show on radio, just re-ran the story about The Greatest Voicemail Message of All Time (Real Audio File).
Really, if you have half a brain in your head, you'll listen to it; and unless you're dead, enjoy it.
29 Dec 2003Quite possibly the two highest compliments I've ever gotten:
Someone put this up as a
Then, a friend compared me to Holden Caulfield, but better:
10 Dec 2003I just heard some country mook do a version of The LIttle Drummer Boy on the radio. Needless to say, he managed to fuck up one of my favorite songs.
For fuck's sake, people!
You DO NOT NEED TO FUCK WITH CHRISTMAS CAROLS.
Unless you're like Bing Crosby or something, you cannot add anything to it by fucking with it, SO PLEASE KNOCK IT OFF.
6 Dec 2003Being that it's once again Christmas Season; it's once again time to make fun of retarded people!
Diiiiiing friiiies aaaaare dooooone...
22 Nov 2003I just watched a TiVo-ed episode of the Nov 20th ER
7 Nov 2003
You. Must. Click.
Really, I find the best shit on /.
5 Nov 2003Make sure you check out the interview with Ira Glass at The AV Club.
If you don't know who Ira GLass is, he runs the This American Life show on PRI.
Listen to it. Stream it in your office. Best eater of Bandwidth since Instant Messaging.
4 Nov 2003Three words:
28 Oct 2003Kevin declares,
26 Oct 2003Would you fuckers PLEASE STOP with the commercials that consist of nothing but fake typing sounds and showing the text magically appearing on a screen?
18 Oct 2003Congrats to Stebby and his Blushing Bride.
Welcome to spending
PS - The balls go in the FREEZER. They'll go bad in the fridge. Don't ask how I know.
13 Oct 2003
To quote my wife; "Fer Real!"
11 Oct 2003I LOVE Surviving Nugent.
I so wanna be on this show.
9 Oct 2003Margaret Cho Agrees with me!
Ann Coulter IS an evil Cunt!
8 Oct 2003I predict Kill Bill will motherfucking KICK ASS.
2 Oct 2003I just watched Will & Grace (because, you know, I'm a big homo) and I came to the realization: JESUS MOTHER OF FUCK! MIRA SORVINO IS HOT! HOTT!! HOTTT!!!
I'm just sayin'
30 Sep 2003My roommate just showed me the Glory that is The Wade Robeson Project. This is yet another Mtv show that's mainly about hot young dirtybutts dancing around dressed sluttily.
The episode I just watched features a girl who first thanks the Lord for helping her get there, and then proceeds to rip off her costume until she's wearing nothing but her shoes, kneepads, a 4" wide tube top, and CAMOUFLAGE HOT PANTS!
THANK YOU JESUS!
25 Sep 2003As evil as the empire of the mouse is, this shit is cool as motherfucking hell.
Of course, it'd be cooler if the thing could walk without a crutch, but Lucky only has TWO controllers.
And they said wireless technology was useless. I hope the control is encrypted, yeah?
21 Sep 2003Site like this are shining example of the addage:
doesn't mean you SHOULD use Flash."
25 Aug 2003My new Favirote song:
The video also rocks.
This song has the added benefit of being completely hysterical when you substitute the name "Stacy" with the name of whomever you're with.
INSTANT MOM BASHING!
21 Aug 2003The sole reason I use our printer these days is because big fat Redford comes streaking into the room to make sure its not going to kill us.
4 Aug 2003
SCREW SCO AND ITS
WEASELY CORPORATE SCHNENNANIGANS! GOOOOO REDHAT!!!
4 Aug 2003Welcome to the Planet, Maxine Louise.
Your Slappyjack Army Record will be set up for you once your dad days its okay.
31 Jul 2003TELEMARKETERS SUE GUB'MENT!
"Telemarketers expanded their legal challenge to the government's do-not-call list, suing a second federal agency over the call-blocking service for consumers that the industry says will devastate business and cost as many as two million jobs."
YAAAAY! Telemarketing business closing!
Yaaaay! Two Million of the shittiest most non-productive jobs will be destroyed!
31 Jul 2003This is one crazy motherfucker.
15 Jul 2003I keep seeing this as a requirement for almost all job postings:
"Position requires excellent verbal and written communication skills"
Isn't this sort of a foregone conclusion for ANY and ALL jobs that require you to interact with anything short of machinery?
Really, people, stop padding your job postings. Please.
15 Jul 2003HUNTING FOR BAMBI!
What, Men are assholes?? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?!?!?
My favorite part of this is how hard the Newscaster really tries to make this important and dangerous in some way.
Yet another example of how WE ARE ALL ASSHOLES!
Addendum: This is a hoax!
15 Jul 2003Look, I love Queer Eye for the Straight Guy as much as the next guy, but when the hell did Bravo decide to become The Lifetime of Gay Men?
It's all so gay.
7 Jul 2003This is What We're Up Against: A Music Industry that Should be Burned to the Ground
7 Jul 2003Shit log shit,
sweets and nougat,
and if you don't shit good,
I'll bash you with my stick.
Yep. "Shit Log"
I am so going to fucking Spain now.
2 Jul 2003Advantage # 32 of having a Big gay Roommate:
Innocuous statements like, "I'm gonna go open my back door," become indescribably funny.
28 Jun 2003see the:
A service of here
27 Jun 2003Have you noticed the fact that GWB uses the same tone of voice no matter what hes speaking about?
Topic: Americans dying while killing thousands of iraquis.
Topic: The country's
donotcall.gov service goes online.
Topic: Attempted joke at yet another fundraiser.
Yes, that's OUR PRESIDENT, folks.
5 Jun 2003After seeing their performance on the newest Mtv Movie awards (MOTHER OF CHRIST!), Tatu is my new:
If you saw it, you'll know why.
16 May 2003The Martix Reloaded
I could have done without the "Matrix-Techno-Orgy-Remix", though.
Carrie-Anne Moss? Very Pretty.
Trinity? Unbeleviably Fucking Hot.
You try to explain it. I can't. Maybe it's the motorcycles.
8 May 2003Coors Light. Crap Beer. Great Wimgman commercial.
Followed by the new Miller Light Commarcial.
Like it fucking matters.
7 May 2003I almost forgot...
Welcome to the Planet, Zackary Robert.
Unca Slappy will be home to see you soon.
2 May 2003Today I noticed that someone came to this site off the search
NO, He is VERY MUCH NOT, Thank You!
30 Apr 2003Question:
How many people have spent 2+ hours watching playoff hockey and spending untold dollars buying beer in a bar to only have the TV switched over to game #218 (of a 4,900+ season) of Major League Baseball somewhere with 4 minutes left in the 3rd with a tie score?
Follow up question:
i fucking hate basebell.
and it's fans.
24 Apr 2003I think I've had JUST ABOUT ENOUGH of all your goddamn buffoonery.
Knock it off.
12 Apr 2003Today it is raining.
Because it is raining a lot, a common 50 mile trip to San Jose will take not 60 minutes, but somewhere around 130 minutes.
This is because the average Californian gets in their cars, notices it is raining, and a small voice in their starts going:
"AAAAAAAGGGGGH!!!! RAIN!!! CHRIST-SUCKING MOTHER OF FUCK, HOW AM I EXPECTED TO SURVIVE THIS!?!?! O' CRUEL BASTARDS OF WEATHER HOW CAN YOU ENDANGER MY LIFE WITH THIS?
I MUST NOT EXCEED 25 MPH IN SUCH A SQUALL!!!"
Every last one of you.
27 Mar 2003This morning, during a press conferecne, GWB just said,
"One question ... confused pause ... per ... question."
As a great man once said...
23 Mar 2003College Basketball is awesome.
For my unfettered gaming time.
19 Feb 2003You know, the real problem with this country is that people are more concerned with not offending someone else's overly tender sensibilities than they are with getting shit done.
That, and the fact that most of you are fucking idiots.
27 Jan 2003Happiness is: When the local bar is staffed by a guy who remembers "Hey, it's that bald guy that drinks Boddingtons" and gives you a Happy Hour price without trying to talk your ear off.
19 Jan 2003Kangaroo Jack????
What The FUCK is this crap?
18 Jan 2003Is that New Miller Light commercial so controversial that it deserves actual extended news coverage and debate?
Isn't there like an impending war or something?
6 Dec 2002So Winona Ryder's SHOPLIFTING trial counts as Breaking News?
A SHOPLIFTING TRIAL IS BREAKING NEWS?
NO, IT IN FACT IS MOST DECIDEDLY NOT BREAKING NEWS. NOT IN THE FUCKING SLIGHTEST
FUCK YOU, AMERICAN MEDIA.FUCK YOU DIRECTLY IN YOUR TIGHT LITTLE CORPORATE CONTROLLED UNIMAGINATIVE ASSES, YOU STUPID FUCKERS.
GO AHEAD, ASK ME AGAIN WHY THIS FUCKING COUNTRY ADN ITS SORRY EXCUSE FOR A CULTURE PISSES ME OFF SO GODDAMN MUCH.
And in case you didn't get the point:
1 Dec 2002Actual Conversation from my life:
"Honey, Christmas is a holiday, not a competition."
23 Oct 2002NOT-ACCEPTABLE CLOTHING TO WEAR TO A HOCKEY GAME:
Any article of clothing with Depeche Mode written on it.
I don't care how Euro OR depressed you are. You're at a Hockey game. Cheer the fuck up.
17 Oct 2002Seen on the HIGH ON FIRE website, in the reviews section:
"I heard someone mention that the new High On Fire cover art is "too Metal"...well I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there is no such thing...and High on Fire is metal...very metal."
You MUST get the mp3s of this band.
12 Aug 2002So i just saw the actual non-commercial video for that "Days go By" song
7 Aug 2002"Jews for Jesus are just like bisexuals. They just need to choose one or the other."
Actual quote from this coolass lesbian I met last weekend.
Ask me again why I live in San Francisco.
31 Jul 2002PLEASE REPEAT AFTER ME:
AMERICAN IDOL IS NOT A VALID TV SHOW IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM
People, your love of shows like this is exactly why
12 Jul 2002http://www.mlbfanstrike.com/
Read it. Love it.
I won't be watching any games that day.
2 Jul 2002"...and my dad is just standing there, in the middle of this giant vagina!"
- Writer Gary Shteyngart
and people say NPR is booring.
2 Jul 2002I just made the mistake of wasting hours of my day watching Kevin Costner's epic. Waterworld.
jesus h christ.
27 Jun 2002g'night, Mr Entwistle. g'night, Boris.
goddamnit. Why can't these things happen to like N'Suck or something.
23 Jun 2002According to VH1's Behind the Music, Hootie and the Blowfish are putting another album out.
I'm all a-twitter.
17 Jun 2002So Team USA pulled out an upset over Mexico to go to the Semi-Finals.
Network TV still won't cover Soccer. Ya can't cut to a commercial.
15 Jun 2002I just brought this peice of crap feature back, so bear with me...
10 Nov 2001stolen from Interactive Week On the imbalance of pull between corporate copyright holders and the average internet user:
"Britnry Spears' music is better protected [online] today than your identity"
- RICHARD PURCELL
Thanks, Operator No.9
20 Aug 2001Overheard in the office today:
"So how do you spell testicles?"
3 Jul 2001Overheard in the office today:
"They smelled so bad, they could've been french!"
13 Mar 2001"The thing about it all being Jeremy's fault is it all could have just as easily all been my fault."
on assigning blame
12 Mar 2001Nothing is better than the look on a chicks face after she hits on you in the laundromat and then notices you're folding lots of panties.
5 Mar 2001So I've gone 132 hours without a cigarette, and G-Man sends me this:
I'm not saying that quitting soda is as hard as quitting smoking, but the other day, I was in line for a burrito, and the guy behind me ordered a "large Mr Pibb." And I think I heard it as "A LARGE SERVING OF SWEET BUBBLY GOODNESS FOR ME, NONE FOR THIS LOSER HERE!!!"
Nope, its not the same.
I can still stand downwind from smokers.
1 Mar 2001So I now have a new favorite cartoon to watch on Saturday mornings while I eat my oatmeal: X-Men:Evolution.
Jean Grey is so hot.
you know, for a cartoon and all.
28 Feb 2001its ash wendesday. You know, when lent starts.
Like an idiot i think about giving up cigarettes and mention it to the wife so now theres no going back.
Now i'm all twitchy and cant even have a nice salami sandwich, because its no meat on Ash Wednesday.
When I was a kid and I'd give up something like chocolate, itd be gong crazy after about four minutes and my mother (who I'm sure learned this from my great-grandmother) would say,
"Oh, so you're dying, hunh? Now imagine Jesus hanging on the cross for your sins for 3 hours... how do you think that felt to him?
I think you can do this for Him, now, don't you?"
Catholics, man. we're all a bunch of superstitious freaks.
26 Jan 2001So theres this site, www.mrwinkle.com. Yeah, I know.
This is a prime example of the proliferation of women who wear gray sweatshirts with kitties and bunnies and teddy bears silkscreened on the front of them online.
11 Jan 2001More Office Talk:
Abnormal: You know, there are very few hits on Google when you look for "lonely employee".
11 Jan 2001"We just want to evolve with our core audience. That's what the Stones did."
-Justin Timberlake of 'N Sync(I found this on Esquire's365 Reasons to Kill Yourself. Fairly ok stuff.)
10 Jan 2001Today I was waiting to pick up somone at SFO's international terminal. I bummed a cig off this guy and it tirned out to be from NANJING.
As in Nanjing, China.
How friggin cool is that?
I fully expect to wake up with my Lungs on fire tomorrow.
20 Dec 2000More Office Talk:
Abnormal: I don't know if this will work or not...
Miss Trisha: AAAAAH!
Abnormal: I guess not.
8 Dec 2000Office Talk:
Miss Trisha: Has anyone seen Chicken Run yet?
Abnormal: I had the chicken runs once.
20 Jul 2000You know how you find them little stress zits, especially the ones near your mouth, and you just can't help touching them and causing yourself blinding pain over and over and over???
I hate those.
that is all.
16 May 2000"Oops, I did it Again"
I may be wrong, but isnt that an ABBA song?
28 Mar 2000Nothing wakes you up faster that getting to work and walkin gy one of them people that smell "permanently hempy"
yow. faster than coffee.
10 Mar 2000Actual quotes from my Life:
"We're from Western Pennsylvania and Upstate New York, We know Spumanti."
-my lovely wife
"I didn't just get picked up, we planed this online last week."
2 Feb 2000Actual quote from my morning workplace conversation:
"A lesbian with carpal tunnel is just sad..."
17 Jan 2000I'm glad to see the new Family Feud kept the old-school rule:
Your team MUST have the stupidest family member on it, and they must stand in the "anchor position"
17 Jan 2000Dont like the redesign?
Can't see anything?
chnge yer goddamn resolution, puckhead.
16 Dec 1999MTV managed to do it again...
100 top videos of all time?
28 Nov 1999My new brother-in-law said this to me in the first 10 minutes after we met.
"The thing you have to keep in mind about cats, I've found, is their flammible qualities."
That boy is brilliant.
14 Nov 1999ENOUGH with the goddamn non-coverage of the friggin' plane crash.
Wanna know what they found on the black box? Heres your scoop:
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!" "OH MY FUCKING GOD!" "WE'RE CRASHING, HELP!!!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" "SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!" "ALLAH HELP US!!! "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!"
9 Nov 1999Paul Jack.
Never ask him to prove to you he's got balls.
it won't be pretty.
trust me on this.
4 Nov 1999Fourth sign that I live in Northern California:
"Organic Non-Dairy Green Tea" Chocolate Bars
2 Nov 1999$6.50 in Street Vended Flowers
Great Sex Later.
Its magic, baby.
19 Oct 1999I like that new TLC video, 'cause they show the Doc pullin that big bag outta that chicks tit.
oh yeah, and 'cause Left-eye is kinda hot.
even if she's got a retarded name.
19 Oct 1999Old emails.
save 'em. they may do you some good someday.
12 Oct 1999Paul was just doing techno in my apartment.
now J is doing it.
12 Oct 1999Search That Pulled Up My Site of the Week:
women fucking rhinos
Now, i don't want to be one to judge, but God-DAMN that one's specific. Does this really exist on the web?
26 Sep 1999How great is my life?
Amazing new Apartment.
Great new gig.
I got a blowjob in the women's bathroom of The Paradise Lounge
my life fucking rocks.
24 Sep 1999Search That Pulled Up My Site of the Week:
" bratwurst porn "
16 Sep 1999I win
9 Sep 1999Mtv Video Music Awards
On the Backtreet Boys: Gents, dressing in black leather and having a ubddy in the background that can play something resembling a rock guitar riff will not change the fact that you guys are a bunch of prettyboy pussies brought together by one thing - the matketing machines need to get a bunch of white boys out there singing some kinda soul/weak hop crap.
Do us all a favor - stay in your fucking prepubescent girl demographic and stay the hell off our televisions.
7 Sep 1999Furniture.
She's consulting me on furniture.
Like I know a good goddamn about ANYTIHNG concerning furniture.
Note for the girls:
25 Aug 1999cunt.
TLoML can freely use the word cunt conversationally.
I AM the luckiest boy in the world.
15 Aug 1999Possibly the most endearing piece of email I've ever gotten:
i'm so drunk. ..
Thu, 12 Aug 1999
8it just took me three times to log into my emai. ..
i'm on my way home right now. if you call me in , like , 40 mintues i'll be all gushy.
Of course, by the time I got home and called, she was out cold - probably drooling an stuff.
10 Aug 1999So i was watching Undressed on Mtv tonight and realized:
This is basically Mtv's version of them Cheesy Softcore Boobie Movies they always show on Cinemax,
What's the fucking point?
Couldn't they rerun something cool like Daria or something?
Did someone in programming lose a bet?
Leave a comment.
Maybe all the little buttons and forms will get more response out of you fuckers who are too goddamn lazy to pop me an email.
3 Aug 1999There are times when 99 hours don't seem like a long time, and there are times when it can feel like forever
27 Jul 1999
Especially in large quantities, specially prepared.
20 Jul 1999I met a friend of a friend at an after hours get together the other night. We were talking and I floored him with one word:
- n. teenage girls seen hanging out trying to look older by dressing generally a but more adult than they should. Typical habitat - food court.
Usage: "Dude, lookit the little dirtybutts over by Orange Julius - man I wish i was 15 again.."
12 Jul 1999Actual Quote from my life:
"just think of it as the Blue Screen of your love for me..."
29 Jun 1999I now actually own...
(the doc told me admitting it was the first step to recovery) GAP CLOTHES!!!
clothes don't make life fun.
28 Jun 1999There is nothing better than a goodnight call that is so perfectly timed.
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It's nice to see some people still understand what the internet is all about.