I'd email you back if you weren't such a big stuipd.
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half-cocked emails.

Those fo you that know me know I'm all about making the web a goofier and more bearable place to be, now that it's being cut up and prepackaged so it can be sold to the unwashed masses, but every so often I'm brutally reminded that there are people out there that STILL JUST DON'T FRIKKIN GET IT.

So I'm online last night lookin at por reading documantation on PHP2, and I get this email:

Subject: Cute pic, dumbass.
   Date: Tue, 18 Jul 2000 00:46:49 -0500
   From: David Graves <>
     To: slappyjack

who are you and how do you know about gradams?  we are gradams and we
are going to sue your ass...we invented gradams comics many years
ago...and that picture looks just like me
So I read this about a dozen times and then realise... he's talking about "gradams" like gradams comics... do I mention that on my site??? What fucking picture is he talking about?

A little backstory:

Gradams Comics was invented by two of the guys when we were all like 13 years old. Danny used to draw these little comics in calss instead of doing classwork and then show them to us in the hall and stuff. High quality humor, lemme tell you.
Yeah, well, funny as they were, that was years and years ago. I DID mention them briefly in here along with a pic of me that Dan had drawn those 17 long years ago.

Back to the point:
Apparently moron-boy assumed that I would have instant recollection of something I put on this hellhole two years ago and then assumed that I actually would fucking care enough to reply. Which I, of course, did:

    Subject: Re: Cute pic, dumbass.
       Date: Mon, 17 Jul 2000 23:16:39 -0700
       From: SlappyJack 
         To: David Graves <>

> who are you and how do you know about gradams? 

Who the fuck are YOU?

> we are gradams 

Who the hell is the "we" in "we are gradams"?
Where have I ever mentioned the word "gradams" that you heard it?

If you must know, I first heard the term "gradams" when I was in 8th
grade, that would have been roughly 16 years ago, pukeface. 

> and we are going to sue your ass...

yeah, fine, whatever.  

Why don't you pucker up and suck each other's dicks while you're at it.

That has a better chance of yielding something for you, if either of you
have had your testicles descend yet, that is.

> we invented gradams comics many years ago...

Again, who the hell are "we"?   The guys who I heard it from have been
friends of mine for roughly 20 years now, o mindless vague boob.

> and that picture looks just like me

A) Which picture are you talking about?
B) If you got a picture on my site, i probably know you, which means you
know better than to email me with some obscure refrence that I'm not
going to remember wholly.

If you're going to toss threats around, sparky, you have better be
specific, and then be prepared to have the other party to promptly tell
you to go fuck yourself with a pointy stick anyhow.

The question i have is, are you the David Graves that Wrote:
Developing Interactive Fiction 
- "Bringing Characters to Life" by David Graves (from The Journal of
Computer Game Design) 
- "Plot Automation" by David Graves (from The Journal of Computer Game
gamer dork.

...or worse, would you be the David Graves That played basketball?  I
really hope so, because I fucking hate backetball and would like nothing
better that to make a spoiled brat scholarship basketball player look
like a fucking simp on my site.

...or are you Dr. David Graves, Microbiologist?

...or are you the guy that could have posted:
David Graves <>
Favorite babe: Nancy Travis
Rockville, MMD USA - Sunday, November 22, 1998 at 11:16:52 (EST)
at fucking   perv.

go away, maggot. you bore me. I grow weary of mocking your mewling
This was all last night. Hopefully happy-boy will have nothing to do during his summer break from fucking BAYLOR (What a shitbag school - who the fuck goes to BALYOR? And where did they get that gayass name?) but crank his bishop a lot and send me stupid, barely comprehensible emails.



Thanks to the fact that my wife is fucking brilliant, she gave me the idea to alert Baylor of the behavior of its students.

This went to not only the Schools IT department, but the President, Chancellor, the email address for the whole of the Chancellor's office, and any Dean I could find. I think A couple of Theology scholars got it, too.



Last night I received the following email, I assume that this is one
of your students:
 Subject: Cute pic, dumbass.
    Date: Tue, 18 Jul 2000 00:46:49 -0500
    From: David Graves <>

who are you and how do you know about gradams?  we are gradams and we
are going to sue your ass...we invented gradams comics many years
ago...and that picture looks just like me
(If you'd like, I can send a copy of the email with full headers for

I believe this email was sent in violation of the following policy:
4.Fraudulent, harassing, offensive or obscene messages or materials 
  are not to be sent, printed, requested, displayed, or stored on
  Baylor-owned or operated information systems. Baylor Information
  Systems Resources should not be used in a manner that would embarrass 
  or bring discredit to the Baptist General Convention of Texas or to 
  Baylor in the view of their constituencies. Chain letters and other 
  unauthorized forms of mass mailings are not allowed. Information 
  (i.e. pictures and personal information) about a person or business 
  entity is not to be made publicly available, such as on Web pages, 
  without the express consent of the person or business entity. 

This email was uncalled for and unsolicited in any way from this

I suspected you would like to know if such non-christian behavior by
a representative of your institution.

Thank you,

Yeah. Mess with the bull, boy, and you get the horns.

BTW - Be sure to check out
Leisure Town. It rocks. Its even worth turning your monitor resolution down so you can read it easier.

Slap Out.

18 Jul 00

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