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crappy turkey-day update.

Quickie News Flash.

maybe more later on, but no promises...

In vague order, the last week and a half of my life, along with the pertinent issues:

  1. I got married on November 20th, 1999.
    1. The best reaction to all this was from ChrisFoley, who said:
      "When are you guys getting it annulled? Its a joke, right?"
    2. For the record, we're still married, even if we're all having a hard time getting J to just stop fucking whining about how "she's not used to wearing rings" and wear her goddamn ring full-time.
    3. Mike Murphy was qouted as saying:
      "You bought her a $10 ring, you cheap-ass. I like you more and more every day"
      and
      "You're aoready referring to her as your wife you sicken me."
      Fulla compassion and love, that Mike.
    4. My new wife does NOT find the term malweed as funny as ChrisFoley and I do.
      1. Even after i say this word on the phone 30 times, We still managed to get malweed anyway.
    5. Many many many thanks to all who send e-congrats.
    6. Special Shout-Out to Brent, who put out the most effort and called to congratulate us from AUSTRALIA.
    7. The rest of y'all who were too damn lazy to click the "Email" link up top and say "congrats" can bite my ass.
    8. My new wife has trouble with dates and anniversaries, so send her a reminder card for next year, ok?

  2. I felt the joy of Thanksgiving in South Western Pennsylvania.
    1. My Mom-in-Law can sure cook a turkey.
    2. I met almost all my in-laws in one swoop. They're nice
    3. I did all this meeting at the 90th Birthday party for "Pap" Barber, the day after Thanksgiving
      1. Pap is 90, looks about 60, and behaves somewhere in the vicinity of 18-22 years old.
      2. Pap's favorite word is "shittin"
      3. Pap told everyone that he's glad his granddaughter married "such a goodlookin young man"
      4. This was not 2 minutes after he told me it's a good thing I'm as tall as I was, or he woulda kicked my ass around a little.
    4. The Exact Second the party was over, I needed to be taken immediately home and put to bed. I got food poisoning.
      1. My body went into "TWO EXITS, NO WAITING" mode for about 5 hours
      2. My wife finds it endearing and cute when i'm ill.
      3. Luckily this kicks in what vague thing she has resembling a maternal instinct and she took care of me.
      4. Unluckily, She's also developed a fine imitation that is supposedly what I sound like when i'm sick.
        I think it sound's nothing like me.
      5. Greg - who is my hero - gave me Tums.
        (but thats not why he's my hero)
      6. Cousin Anna went to the store and bough all the sick kids goodies, even though she was sick herself.
        I think this is because she's southern.

  3. I felt the non-joy of roundtrip nonstops from San Francisco to Washington-Dulles.
    1. Six hours is too long to sit in any one chair for any reason
    2. My wife is really cute when she's asleep with her head in my lap - and drooling a little.
    3. notes to everyone:
      1. When they announce "Everyone needs to check their extra carryons because the flight is full",
        THIS MEANS EVERYONE, NOT EVERYONE BUT YOU, ASSHOLE
        Yes, yes, yes, your baby is cute, but he does NOT warrant you getting to smuggle 300 pounds of extra clothing on in his diaper bags.
      2. If you get a row to yourself, Tilting any more that ONE of the seats back IS ESPECIALLY RUDE, YOU ARROGANT SELF-IMPORTANT FUCKHEAD
      3. Hitting someone with your carryon "accidentally" more than twice without at the very least ATTEMPTING to carry it in another position should be punishable by death.
      4. $5 is far too much for headset rental, especially when the in-flight movie is shit like Runaway Bride.
        (always bring your own headphones, but steal what headsets you can get your hands on anyhow)
      5. Smoking lobbies - We KNOW smoking is bad for us, giving us a non-ventilated room isn't going to get us to quit.
        It WILL, however, motivate us towards violence on our next flight. smooth move.
    4. I'm betting that United will fuck up my frequent flyer app again and i'll lose all those miles. The flights were pretty damn good, tho.

  4. I know this is irritating
    1. I read Spalding Gray on the trip and i'm thinking in outline mode.
    2. Back to normal next time.

Slap Out

28 Nov 99


No, no update yet, but Paul Jack just came up with the the scariest idea for a genetically engineered animal:

Ass-Eating Badgers.

This was not 20 minutes after the news showed a picture of a little girl they just found killed and a friend made the comment

Shes's spending christmas in a box.
Goin straight to hell, thats me...

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mmmmm... Scrumpy Jack
previously:
tv is shit
nextly:
fightin' wif da wife.

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