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travel tales.

Made it.

I, SlappyJack, am now officially a resident of the City of San Francisco. After much fighting and wailing and nashing of teeth and busting of balls, I packed up my shit and drove outta town.

Things couldn't be better. J found us a fucking AMAZING apartment, I have a kickass job starting tomorrow, and things in general are peachy as all hell. I truly AM the luckiest boy in the world.

The drive out here, however... 'nuther story.

Wednesday night I call the local UHaul place thats supposed to have my truck, and I get this guy answering the phone where it's painfully obvious that English is not his first language. I have no probloems with immigrants or maintaining your home culture or any of that, but for christ's sake - if you're gonna earn my dinero, you better at least make an attempt to speak my language. An attempt, that's all I ask.

Immediately after hearing this gent say "Well, you better hope they get your truck here..." I go into full anxeity mode. I call the next day, flipping out, and the guy this time can understand the "I will fuck you up if you don't get me a goddamn truck" tone in my voice.

I get a truck, it gets packed, and I drive.

I dont know how many of you have ever driven I-80 from Denver to San Francisco, but its a helluva drive, as listed here:

  • Wyoming can be summed up in one word - W I N D. the truck got an amazingly shitty 6 miles to the gallon through the entire state, and most of my concentration went into the constant left turn i was in to counteract the wind.

  • More abuot Wyoming - Possibly the shittiest Radio I have heard since I left upstate New York. Once I got away from Denver, The biggest station that I could get consistently played a mix of 80's non-new-wave-rock, 80s southern Rock, and modern Rock.

  • Luckily, it was a all-request weekend so I got to listen to the favorite rock of the inbred.

  • I heard, in one hour, Journey, Styx, Air Supply, and "The Hooters" (how many of you remember them?). Then I get some commercials, then this TOTAL FUCKING BITCH iof a DJ who thought it was funny to make fun of tha callers no matter what they say, then I hear a really new song and get all excited they they were going to switch gears...
    ...then they played some Loverboy.

  • This only lasted untill 7pm, when ALL the stations in the state switched over to broadcasting whatever local highschool football was being played that night.

  • If you ever listen to local high school football broadcasts, they consist of a guy watching the play, then telling you what just happened after its over. woo. hoo.

  • Utah - I was glad to get into Utah, mainly so I could tell myself "Thank GOD im not in fucking Wyoming anymore."

  • Salt Lake City is really pretty to drive through at night - from I-80. Once you need to get into this huge fucking detour that takes you through town, you see it has all the sophistication of Wyoming, just this time they're all mormons.

  • You can tewll you're getting close to Nevada because once you get about 10 miles from the border you can hear the humming of the electricity being sucked into the 47 casions that are RIGHT ON THE BORDER. Not 5 or 10 feet in - RIGHT THERE.

  • Leaving the greater Reno Metropolitan area takes you to the Cali border. The lasyt gas station has a casion right there - actually it IS the gas station. Don't try to pay with a credit card to get out without incident, they make you go inside to get the goddamn receipt.

    The pump also shows you commercials while you get your gas. Disturbing.

  • The drive through the mountains in NoCal is absolutely beautiful. Lot like the rockies, astually.

  • There are simply too many goddame caars ion California.

  • Never try to take the Bay Bridge Saturday afternoons when the weather is nice.

Thats all I can think of right now... I'm a little tored because I now live in an area where they deem it necessay to haev a second feed for TV programs and I have to actually wait till FREAKIN TEN O'CLOCK to put myself through the torture of the Real World from now on...

Oh yeah, I went to a Sex Fair my first full day here and wore a big rubber cock in my pants and had people lick it for free prizes, but you can read about that on bootyquake in a day or two...

Yeah, Mom, I made it here safely and I'm having a wonderful time.

Slap Out

28 Sep 99

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