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art my ass.

This weekend was The Big Meeting. Budha's parents were in town and I met them. She flew to "the cowtown" to be here. Not to see me as much as to see them and moderate the slap-parent conversation. This isn't a journal site, per se, so you can read about it on her page, or maybe bootyquake. I'm not sure where the hell its gonna wind up.

I do know they'll be better written and there won't be as many spelling mistakes.

Just let it suffice to say that we all had a good time, much food was eaten, breaks were taken, we saw two movies (go see The Sixth Sense, thats all I can say about it), said "babe" a lot, and I actually went into the Denver Art Museum.

Yeah, you heard right. Slap got his uncultured ass to an art museum. They didn't even have a bunch of coolass dinoasur bones or old guns or nothin', just a buncha art and... uh,

stuff.

The museum was quite cool and I enjoyed most of it. Surprising when you consider most of the stuff on my walls was bought at Target and contains at least one of the following elements:

  • car
  • cartoon character
  • guy menacingly brandishing something
  • thong bikini

J and I pretty much looked at old stuff from asia and central america, but she wanted to get to the "contemporary" area before we left.

Never to be one to say anything conotating a negative response to her, I happily plod my goofy ass into the "modern gallery" and see - well - some stuff.

There were the requisite goofy paintings that if I had painted them their value would be as semi-waterproof oversized roofing tiles:

  • Mottled brown 4'x6' canvas with the bottom half of a square crudely drawn
  • Someone was creative enough to take a bigass canvas and cover it with an inch of tar, make a wavy-line pattern on it with a rake, and title it Rodeo. spare me. at least blind people can see it with the same effect as I had.
  • There was one canvas that was almost ALL BLACK, except for an eight by three inch spot in the lower left corner that had brown and white on it. i titled this one "oops! ran out of black!" I couldn't bear to look at the actual title.
Then there was the sculpture - one of which I liked. Misshaped little tiny female figures of welded metal, jammed on top of a bigass metal/welded pedastol. Of course, this enjoyment was spoiled by the next room where there was an old harp case FULL of candles. not art, but helpful if there's ever a power failure or you want to romanticaly light the entire fucking block.

There was also this 20 by 20 foot room, where all the light was blocked out and the description told you you were supposed to sit there and stare for 5-7 minutes. On each wall at the far end were a few low powered lights shining on the walls. I think they changed intensity a little over time. In the middle of the far wall was some kinda blue tinge, but I couldnt find the light source for it.

After 5 minutes I was bored, my eyes hurt, and I don't like sitting in an unknown dark room. It was like sitting in some goofy science experiment where they show how people will do anything stupid if they read it on a sign.

and then...

The Ultimate in
PRETENTOUS
ART

Theres this... thing. Eight foot wide sign that diaplays messages with the words spelled in little red dots. The only real use I've seen for these things are the ones built into beer ads hanging on the walls in sports bars...

...but this one was art

Really.

I couldn't believe it. It was just one of them things you see like the stock tickers. It wasn't even reworked or decorated or anything, they didn't even bother to hide the power cord for it. Just ran the godamn black umbilical right up the wall where it suckled at the tax-dollar funded teat of electricity.

(no, I have NO IDEA where that came from)

It was like my Uncle Edwin just took the thing out of his remodled rec-room basemtent bar and foisted it off to the Museum 'cause he needed a few hundred extra dollars for a new trolling motor on his bass boat.

I sat there and was just TRANSFIXED by the sheer inanity of the fact that my tax dollars went into hanging this thing. J came up to me and all I could say was "...look. just look at this thing!"

"It's definately webpage material."

"You are so right. Where the hell is that pen..."

So I proceed to jot down what I can. Sitting there, in the middle of the floor, scribbling frantically while J reads them off to me with something close to a straight face.

These are the ones I could get down before I just couldn't take it any freakin' longer.

Dreaming while awake is a frightening condition

Dying and coming back gives you considerable perspective

Dying should be easy as falling off a log

EATING TOO MUCH IS CRIMINAL

Even your family can betray you

Children are the most cruel

Expressing anger is necessary

Fear is the greatest incapacitator

government is a burden on the people

Gras roots agitation is the only hope

I did look at the pieces little plaque on this one. I just had to know who was responsible for this...

Jenny Holzer
American b. 1950

Selections from Truisms, 1983

Electronic LED Sign, Red Diodes. ed 1/5
Funds from Carol and Eric Schwartz, 1988, 90

You know, I can't really say anything more than:
Fuck You, Jenny Holzer.
You are a couple of suckers, Carol and Eric Schwartz.

Art my Ass.

Yeah, and highschools are cutting Drama and Music programs all over the fucking country at a rate similar to how they're flattening the rainforest.

Oh well, at least I got to drink beer when we left...

SKITTLES!

Slap out.

10 Aug 99

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