Goddamnit, I'd piss on a spark plug if I thought it'd do any good!
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summertime movies.

Its been a bigass movie-type week for ol' Slap. I finally got my crack outta the sack (a favorite saying from the upstate New York morning circuses of radio days past) went and knocked a couple of picks off the list.

Kicking off the weekend was a viewing of American Pie. Not a bad little film. Not Citizen Kane but pretty fucking funny.

Not a lot to say about it, but I got what I thought I was gonna get. Actually, I got a little more...

This is probably the first big budget movie i've seen yet that does a realistic job of showing the interenet in a realistic way. Sure, It's being used for moronic juvenile titilation (note to the guys: This movie IS pretty close to what it's like as a highschool geek, and the chick in the "internet" scene is worth the cost of your ticket. and your girlfriends ticket. and her parent's tickets.) but it was done pretty right.

Of course, there were the requisite throngs of underage kids there, not getting the focus of most of it, but enjoying the swearing and the titties. I swear I heard a 4 year old in there, it must be more important to save six bucks on a babysitter than to maybe have your kid being warped by the Hollywood money-sucking dumb-down machine before they get to the elementary school they wil probably drop out of...

This, of course didn't bother me as much as actually GETTIN IN to the theatre, which went like this:


Hey, one to see American Pie, please

Seventeen Year-Old Highly-Trained Theater Personnel Chewing Gum:

How old are you?

Confused Slap:


Ticket Girl:

How OLD are YOU?

Astonished Slap:

Uh, i'm gonna be 30 in a month



Apparently the program to crack down on underage moviegoers was put into place immediatrely before I walked to the goddamn ticket window. Guys, i like the idea of keeping kids from seeing peoples heads getting blown off and from witnessing cheap actors having cheaper sex seventeen thousand times before they graduate from High School, but for fuck's SAKE.

The only reason i can think of them doing this? They've finally realised that after raising ticket prices to eight dollars and popcorn to five bucks (but yu get free refills!) , they no longer need to let the little bastards in to make their money.


So why do I go to the movies anymore?


Sunday I joined the throngs of wierdos that went to see "The Blair Witch Project" with none other than The Filthy Critic and his Lovely Wife.

I'm not going to say much about it. Go see it. Movies dont normally scare me or freak me out or anything. This did. It gave me a raging case of the heebie-jeebies for about an hour. Good story, asthetically pleasing, no hollywood assholes had their fingers in it - you can tell. It was worth every jeebie it gave me.

If this film wins no other awards, they should create this one for it:

~ Best use of a Booger in a Movie ~

Heather Donahue has been getting knocked by a few people I know that have seen the film, calling her annoying and stuff.

Uh, guys...

She's a fucking FILM STUDENT!
In General,


anyhow... the girl knows how to use a booger in a dramatic role, she deserves an award for it.

thats all I'm saying.

Just go fucking see the film. You'll be glad you did.

once you get rid of them heebie-jeebies.

Slap out.

20 Jul 99

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