Goddamnit, I'd piss on a spark plug if I thought it'd do any good!
movies are painful
The other night I was sitting home watching TV and was thinking, "wow, that really sucks ass."
-My Last RantAs if I needed my feelings on Hollywood confirmed, I now know that Hollywood truly does SUCK ASS.
I'm typing live from the late stages of Kimme's surprise b-day party. You know, the late stage of a low-key dinner party where we all sit around watching the latest video rentals. Kim, however, made the wise move of going to sleep, cause it's damn late.
Why was her going to sleep early wise? Why am I typing a new rant at 2:30 in the friggin morning?
Because I paid money I work my ass off for to rent pure, unadulterted, no-fucking-good TRIPE. It is simply amazing.
We just watched The Matchmaker, a semi-decent idea of a movie starring Janine Garaffalo, Dennis Leary, and a whole lot of quaint-looking irish-looking actor/extras.
Now, I bacically have this semi-worship thing for the Amazing Miss. G, but this movie, while full of many fantastic shots of J.G. looking as great as ever, is an incredible dog. American goes to Ireland, suffers culture shock, meets asshole boy. After a few almost not predictable plot twists: American loves boy, finds a soul, does the right thing, the bad guy is punished in a not-funny overdone bit, and everyone wins in the end.
I'd like to say "A fatter load of shit has ne'er been seen", but were watching the first part of Armageddon and I already wanna piss on the VCR and put it out of its misery.
Actually, it wasn't that bad, but I needed a segue to where I'll eventually get to later.
One thing I'm questioning about Matchmaker is "why Ireland?" I'll tell you why ---> Some fucking marketing moron with straight teeth, good hair, and an expensive suit said during some lunch meeting "IRELAND! People are going batshit over this Lord of the Dance crap, they LOVE IRELAND!"
Not that the movie didnt have any good things. The side characters were entertaining and the pictures were pretty.
Oh MY! Isn't Ireland so QUAINT?!?!?
To continue...So we're watching the
MEGA-HUGE, AMAZING, MOST STUPENDOUS PIECE OF FILMMAKING YOU HAVE EVER, WILL EVER SEE IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE!!!!!
Yeah, and I shit gold ingots.
One of two meteor disaster films from the summer, this thing isn't all what I thought it would be. Oh, its still shaping up to be as crappy as I thought it would, but its even got more revolting stuff that I didn't count on.
While Morgan Freeman was lining his pockets making the crappy, yet trying to be thoughtful, Deep Impact, Bruce Willis (who I also like, even though he's never anything but the cool headed wisecracking man of steel robotizing through shitty script after script) is just one honest blue collar Joe leading a bunch of other blue collar hardworking Joes, each with different colorful quirky personality traits...
oh christ! they're doing a "lets pull their heart strings" group singing of 'Leaving on a Jet Plane' - how fucking touching.
...that would in real life make people avoid them for the assholes they are. Even if they were capable of spouting chippy little one-liners at the drop of a hat.
I guess what pisses me off the most about this big movie crap is that Hollywood is so into itself and doing everything that will justify raising ticket prices ever-closer to the $10 per seat mark that they don't even worry about making anything coherent, but wanna make sure they can pull in as much money out of every possible demo-fucking-graphic tehy can instead of telling a decent story.
...and that's why we go to the movies and rent videos inthe first place, isn't it?
oh well. like they're gonna listen to me anyhow. I hear dramatic violins playing and stuff sounding like its exploding and it IS 3 in the friggin morning. I'm gonna go veg.
Del, if you by any chance see this - sorry for slamming your industry, but for chrissakes - your biz is starting to make the NBA look not-so-guilty these days...
...the next day...Well, I've had time to sleep on what I talked about. I was thinking as I drove home last night, "Hollywood filmmaking would be a whole lot betetr off if 75% of the people working on film there would just give a big long french kiss to the business end of shotgun."
but thats not quite right...
I think movies would slowly get better if we made people (a.k.a - the great unwashed) that came out of shitty movies saying "That was the best movie I have ever seen" french kiss the business end of a shotgun.
It would probably make the world a better place in general, actually.
I'm going to watch football...
22 Nov 98
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