NO! NO I'M NOT!
I'm currently looking for the NEXT Ex-Mrs. SlappyJack.
I give bad advice,
but the results are kind of funny.
Being a Wednesday night, I went to the Double Down after work to listen to Blue Cherry and polish off a few beers and unwind. It was pretty full, and after about 20 minutes of standing I get a seat next to these regular guys, lets call them Joe and Sergei.
As I was sitting down, this couple walks in, I'll call them Candii and Bud, and they sit a few spaces down from Joe, Sergei and I.
Life goes on for about 10 minutes and the music is - as always - fine and the beer is cold and much unwinding is taking place.
Then Bud gets up and walks over towards the bathrooms. Not 30 seconds later I hear Candii yell "COME TALK TO ME!" Followed by her walking over and dragging Sergei back to where she's sitting to talk to her.
He's obviously very into this.
I chat with Joe - typical random bar conversation, work, the band, that girl that just grabbed his buddy - for a couple minutes when we see Bud walking back to his spot, which is occupied by Sergei, so he sits on the other side of Candii.
Candii is still doing her best approximation of charming and doesn't even notice that her date has come back from the bathroom. He was gone quite a while, lord only knows what he was doing in there. You don't poo in the Men's Room at the Double Down.
You just Do Not.
WHen she finally notices him sitting there, Sergei is playing the "Let me buy you a drink" card, which she accepts and then proceeds to order three $7 shots.
One for her.
Bud doesnt even drink his shot, and they take off like a shot out the front door when Sergei goes to take a leak.
He comes back and asks where the hell they are, Joe and I tell him they bailed, and he's understandably a little miffed that he just got taken for $21 worth of booze.
This mood lifts considerably when he notices Candii, being some combination of drunk and stupid, has left her wallet/checkbook on the bar in her haste to go home and give Bud some sweet drunken sluttin'.
Seriously. This had her ID, all her Credit Cards, and about 20 blank checks in it.
After about 5 minutes of watching Sergei hold this thing and think obvious thoughts of destruction, going to her place and causing a ruckus, and other various felonies while getting totally worked up, I make the suggestion, Maybe you should just write her a nasty little note on one of her checks and turn it in to the Bartender. You havent done anything wrong yet, and being pissed off over $20 in booze isnt a good reason to get arrested.
The suggestion works, but he takes this a step wurther, writing things on EACH AND EVERY BLANK CHECK IN HER WALLET, the last two saying "It was FUN," and, "Thank You."
He then gets a magic marker and writes the word "BITCH" on her Drivers Licence.
The best part of all of this was him asking us how to spell stuff (being not a native english speaker). Words like "Hoe," "Tease," and "Cunt" being most notable.
He then turned the wallet in and announced "That just made my day."
Hey, at least I stopped him from getting into a fight.
24 Jun 04
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Your Mom told you not to steal, so piss off.
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