Talkin' smack since 1997
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Friends of mine asked me to use some of my incredible amount of free time as an unemployed person to watch their apartment and run a couple of errands for them while they're away. Get the mail, pick up some shit they ordered, hang out, fill their TiVo with porn, and masturbate on their couch. Typical stuff.

They have email access while they're gone, I've been sending them updates:
These are excerpts only, I'm pretty sure you don't wanna read about my fucking cats

Update Un:

- I got your wine, and they guy said it is standard practice for the getter of the wine to ber given a bottle, so I drank one of them.

- I got your mail

- The bottle of wine I drank was so good I decided to drink two.

- I nabbed some DVDs of yours to watch here in my umemployed days

- Then I went into the bedroom and tried to figure out which side of the bed was Xxxxxx's. I couldn't tell (even by sniffing) so to be thorough, I bareassed both sets of pillows.

Update Deux:
last night I went and got your mail. That mailbox key sucks ass, by the way.

Checked house, nothing is stolen.

I had to re-bareass the pillows becasue the smell just isn't sticking them the way I like. I also climbed my grimy post-building booty in between the sheets and stripped naked - writhing the whole time.

I thnik I may have pooted a couple times, too.

Tonight we had dinner at In and Out Burger, because [someone] was too hung over to cook. And because we were in the neighborhood.

They don't have In and Fucking out In Fucking Europe. Do they, Motherfucker?!?!

Update Trois:
I couldn't find the keys that were JUST office keys, so I took your main set. Then I bareassed them AND re-bareassed only Xxxxxxx's side of the bed. Its getting nicely quite funky. I also tried to bareass his guitars and record player, but that was kinda hurty, so I stopped.

Yes, I basically just walk around your empty apartment with no pants on, ass at the ready.

Neither of the Wonder Twins made it to your apartment while I saw gone, so some of your mail is a little crunched - sorry. One of you got a check from someplace, so I forged a name, cashed it and blew the money on strippers. Couldn't find anyone that good looking, but I did learn that ugly strippers give mean head, so your cash was NOT wasted.

[Detalis of checking some computer stuff at their office them, which I'm not going to tell you about. The rest of the office did look at me funny, probably because I haven't shaved in a week]

As far as payment goes, fuck that. Its not like you haven't cooked a few thousand dollars worth of meals for me and mine over the past four years. I did bareass your office chair AND that comfy chair in the corner - Nice and juicy - so there's my payment!

Now, you're saying, "Come ON, you didn't REALLY bareass all their stuff! How could you just randomly cash a check that wasn't yours? You didn't do all that stuff, did you?"

Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. Maybe I only bareassed the brown cuch so they can't tell so easily. Only I will truly know, and only they will truly find out...

What's the lesson here?

NEVER have your bitter unemployed friends look after your stuff.
Chances are they're going to do something awful to it.

Maybe there will be more to come. I don't know, don't really care, and I'm pretty sure you don't either.

Unrelated to anything: Sign up for the fucking SlappyJack Army! Its fun and educational!

Slap out

13 Sep 03

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