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The Resume of George W. Bush

Theres this one very good freind of mine that is one of those types. You know the kind I'm talking about.

Yes. One of those people that sends "joke of the day" type emails to everyone in their inbox.

Normally I flip the fuck out on these people, friends or family (though they tend to get a slightly softer version of the lashing), and they stop. But boob keeps his daily sermons to jokes, and doesn't send those godamn chain letters around, so I typically just lok them over, chuckle, and delete.

Occationally, I get a little gem like this:


RESUME
GEORGE W. BUSH
The White House
Washington, D.C.
USA

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:

  • I ran for congress and lost.
  • I produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.
  • I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas; company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
  • I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that gave me land using taxpayer money. Biggest move: Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox.
  • With my father's help (and his name) was elected Governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS:

  • I changed pollution laws for power and oil companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the Union.
  • I replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog ridden city in America.
  • Cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
  • Set record for most executions by any Governor in American history.
  • I became president after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes, with the help of my father's appointments to the Supreme Court.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT

  • I attacked and took over two countries.
  • I spent the surplus and bankrupted the treasury.
  • I shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history.
  • I set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12 month period.
  • I set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
  • I am the first President in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
  • I am the first President in US history to enter office with a criminal record.
  • I am the first year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any President in US history.
  • After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, I presided over the worst security failure in US history.
  • I set the record for more campaign fundraising trips, while in office, than any other President in US history.
  • In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their job.
  • I cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any President in US history.
  • I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12 month period.
  • I appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any President in US history.
  • I set the record for the least amount of press conferences than any President since the advent of television.
  • I signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any President in US history.
  • I presided over the biggest energy crises in US history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
  • I presided over the highest gasoline prices in US history and refused to use the national reserves, as past Presidents have.
  • I cut healthcare benefits for war veterans.
  • I set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind (see also: http://www.hyperreal.org/~dana/marches).
  • I dissolved more international treaties than any President in US history.
  • My Presidency is the most secretive and unaccountable of any in US history.
  • Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US history. (The 'poorest' multimillionaire, Condoleeza Rice has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.)
  • I am the first President in US history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously go technically bankrupt.
  • I presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world.
  • I am the first President in US history to order an unprovoked US first attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation; I did so against the will of the United Nations and the world community, and without consultation with or consent from the Congress or the American people.
  • I created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States.
  • I set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any President in US history.
  • I am the first President in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the human rights commission.
  • I am the first President in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the elections monitoring board.
  • I removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of Congressional oversight, than any Presidential administration in US history.
  • I rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
  • I withdrew from the World Court of Law.
  • I refused to allow inspectors access to US prisoners of war and, by default, no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.
  • I am the first President in US history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 US elections).
  • I am the all-time US (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.
  • My biggest lifetime campaign contributor, who is also one of my best friends, presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).
  • I spent more money on polls and focus groups than any President in US history.
  • I am the first President to run and hide when the US came under attack (and then lied, saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1).
  • I am the first US President to establish, in effect, a secret shadow government.
  • I took the biggest world sympathy for the US after 911, and, in less than a year, made the US the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in US and world history).
  • I, with a policy of 'disengagement' created the most hostile Israeli-Palestine relations in at least 30 years.
  • I am the first US President in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my Presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
  • I am the first US president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the US than their immediate neighbor, North Korea.
  • I changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
  • I set all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated US law by not selling huge investments in corporations bidding for government contracts.
  • I failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden 'dead or alive.'
  • I failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capitol building. After 18 months, I have no leads and zero suspects.
  • In the 18 months following the 911 attacks, I have successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States.
  • I removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other President in US history.
  • In a little over two years I created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided the US has ever been since the Civil War.
  • I entered office with the best economy in US history and, in less than two years, turned every single economic category heading straight down.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES

  • I have at least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available).
  • I was AWOL from National Guard and deserted the military during a time of War.
  • I refuse to take drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.
  • All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my father's library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
  • All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
  • All minutes of meetings for any public corporation I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
  • Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

For personal references, please speak to my Daddy or Uncle James Baker.
(They can be reached at their offices of the Carlyle Group for war-profiteering.)


In most cases "It's funny, 'cause it's true" would apply, but this just isn't one of them.

Slap out.

Sidenote: Are people even SENDING those godamn chain letters and shit out anyore? I havent gotten one in quite a while, but I was just chalking it up to my typical cheery disposition in responding to them.

Inquiring minds wanna know!

31 Jul 03

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