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THE SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE AND THEIR TELEMARKETING DEPARTMENT OF SCUMBAGS CAN KISS MY PASTY WHITE ASS.

Today at around 12.45 I got a telemarketing phone call from Sophie or Sonia or Sophia or whatever the fuck her name was. She was trying to sell newspapers, which nobody reads anymore, and then she hung up on me before I could say, "Put me on your DO NOT CONTACT list and leave me the fuck alone."

I typically say it a lot nicer than that, by the way

However, because Sophie/Sonia/Sophia is such a complete fucking cunt that she not only can't get a job doing something honest like waitressing or garbage collection or ladling out soup to homeless people or working at McDonalds or stripping or whatever, she isn't even capable of doing her EVIL FUCKING TELEMARKETING JOB PROPERLY.

Of course, an email had to be sent out:

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Subject: Telephone Consumer Protection Act
   Date: Sun, 23 Jun 2002 13:04:38 -0700
   From: slappyjack@slappyjack.com
     To: complaints@sfchron.com, subscriptions@sfchron.com, editor@sfchron.com, 
         chronfeedback@sfchronicle.com, joppedahl@sfchron.com, sfalk@sfchron.com,
         pbronstein@sfchron.com, support@sfgate.com, cauthorn@sfgate.com, 
         angelico@sfgate.com, ben@sfgate.com, challenb@sfgate.com
    CC: fccinfo@fcc.gov
   BCC: letters@sfexaminer.com, patty@hearst.com

Dear SF Chronicle and your Monolithic Parent Company,

I just received a phone call from your telemarketing Department. Yes, on
a sunday. The woman's name was Sonia of Sophia, she said it too fast for
me to understand.

I tried to say, "I am not interested in your publication and I would
like to add my name and all contact information to your DO NOT CONTACT
list."

However, as soon as I said "I am not.." she briskly said  "OK, Fine" and
hung up on me immediately.

I'm not 100% on this one, but I'm pretty sure this IS a violation of The
Telephone Consumer Protection Act of 1991. So I now write to ALL of you
folks in hopes that this will get pushed to the proper people:

Please place the phone number 415.555.5555 (and its corresponding
address of 999 Wwwww, #999, HO, HI) on your DO NOT CONTACT list.  I
also forbid you from selling, renting, lending, doling out, or otherwise
distributing my name to any and all other parties that should request
it.

Further contacting a consumer after they have requested to not be
contacted is a violation of the Telephone Consumer Protection Act of
1991, and opens you up to financial restitution.  I would have tried to
contact you about this via phone, but I don't need to be hung up on -
again.

In plain english:
DO NOT contact me again.  
I DO NOT read your paper.
I USED TO read your website, which is very nice, but will no longer be
doing so.
I will NEVER be purchasing your paper.
I AM NOT INTERESTED in anything you have to sell me.

Leave me the hell alone,
-SlappyJack
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
[Italicized parts are the shit I changed because I don't want you sick fuckers knowing any more anout me than you already do.]

The bounces just started coming... apparently "patty@hearst.com" is not a unique mailbox name.

go figure.

Slap out

23 Jun 02

ADDENDUM - 24 Jun 02

Amazingly enough, The Chronicle seems to be web-savvy enough to take care of business even via email! Neil was quick enough on the draw to get back to me in roughly 29.5 hours.

That translates to about 12 seconds in Monolithic Corporation time.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Subject: Rude telemarketer
   Date: Mon, 24 Jun 2002 18:16:42 -0700
   From: Neil Hall 
     To: slappyjack@slappyjack.com
     CC: Jerry Hill 

Dear Mr. SlappyJack,

I am only contacting you a final time to apologize and thank you for
contacting us and letting us know about our problem. I will identify the
salesperson and prevent this from happening to someone else. I have deleted
your phone number and address from our contact records. Again, my sincere
apologies.

Neil R. Hall
Outside Sales Manager
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Nice one Neil. I'm back to checking out sfgate.com every so often.

I'm still gonna spit at Sophie/Sonia/Sophia if I ever see her on the street, though.

ADDENDUM TWO - 24 Jun 02

From a reader of this page...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Subject: chronicle
   Date: Mon, 24 Jun 2002 22:35:04 -0700
   From: David

You would have loved the guy that called me saying they were sending me the
paper 100% absolutely free, no ifs ands or buts.  But, if I wanted to, on
Sundays, I should give the delivery kid a couple of bucks to help him out.
I said sure, and got transferred to a new person to verify the sale and she
said, "ok, so that's free weekday delivery and $2.75 a week for Sunday
delivery" and I said, "no way, he said 100% free" and she said, "hmm.  Sorry
about that, he misled you.  Have a good day."
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Fuckers.

ADDENDUM THREE - 2 Jul 02

And then this shows up...

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Subject: FW: Solicitor Complaint
   Date: Tue, 2 Jul 2002 07:39:54 -0700
   From: VIP Desk <VIPDESK@sfchronicle.com>
     To: slappyjack@slappyjack.com
    CC: Chris Hallenbeck <HALLENBECK@sfgate.com>

-----Original Message-----
From: VIP Desk On Behalf Of Home Delivery
Sent: Tuesday, July 02, 2002 7:27 AM
To: 'Chris Hallenbeck'
Cc: Neil Hall
Subject: Solicitor Complaint 

Dear SlappyJack:

Please accept my apologies for any inconvenience which this may have
caused you. The Chronicle does not condone any practice of harassment
in the promotion of our newspaper, and the solicitor involved will be
dealt with accordingly.

We have instructed our Promotions Department to remove your telephone
number from existent solicitation lists in order to prevent this from
happening again.

Thank you for taking the time to contact us.

Sincerely, 

Sandra Valentine
Service Assurance Representative


-----Original Message-----
From: Chris Hallenbeck [mailto:challenb@sfgate.com]
Sent: Monday, July 01, 2002 6:54 PM
To: homedelivery@sfchronicle.com
Subject: Telephone Consumer Protection Act (fwd)


request for no-call list

[ included was my original message ]
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What.
The.
Hell.

Remember, kids - you should always email THE VIP DESK!

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