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I'd pay a dollar to see that...

In a vain attempt to get back to normal life, last saturday the boss and rented few movies and was going to get some chips and just veg and watch said rented movies when at the SAVE MORE MARKET she runs into Jimmy.

Jimmy was my boss at Quokka. (I'd link to it but they're dead and gone now) He's had more jobs than even me since leaving there.

Anyway, Jim came home with J to watch videos too; of course, the second he gets in the door we go outside to smoke - 'cause thats what me and Jim do.

This was my biggest mistake of the weekend.

By the time we get back in the apartment, Joc is fully sucked in by Miss America Pageant. Never let it be said that my wife has any taste.

Of course, we balk, but after requests like "Come on, we gotta see who gets into the top 10!" followed by, "You know you don't want to turn it off now, the swimsuits are coming!" and then the final: "the talent competition is next, you can't miss that."

So yes, we watched the semi-final AND final rounds of the Miss America Pageant.

Not that this was entirely without entertainment value, as stupid as it was. Miss Oregon took home the crown and the big scholarship, because hey - you just gotta give the win to a med student that can sing opera and not fuck it up (not simultaneously - this is a Pageant, not Stupid human Tricks, geez.) The ladies were all very nice and pretty but not damaging to the psyche of little kids pretty and we did notice that the minority contestants got harder questions then everyone else, and Miss Tenesee couldn't get even the most rudimentary multiple choice questions correct during the quiz, but the best part?

Talking during the entire talent competition.

I was thinking, "What would this be like if it was run by, say, The Man Show?"

Swimsuit would be replaced by Wet-T-Shirts, natch, but the talents would be so much better. I mean, we'll even skip the basest talent that all men would like to see and move onto the really cool talents:

First up, Miss Pennsylvania brings to us a talent from the southwestern part of the state...

"Thank you Mr. Danza. As you can see, my Uncle Jake and Eldest brother have hung a freshly killed 12-point buck from the second batten upstage. (Its my first Buck! Tee-hee!) I'm going now butcher this deer. I already have the drip bowl ready to bleed this big ol' boy out, so lets get started..."

This takes like an hour, and at the end of it she - pretty much covered to the shoulder in deer blood, still smiling, takes a big proud bite out of the raw heart, offers it to the Judges, then passes fresh venison tothe front row on her way out

Next we have Miss Texas! She's a junior at Texas at Austin...

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE- HAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! ONE'S FOR MY PLEDGE SISTERS, THE BUSH TWINS!!!!!"

Two stagehands roll out a keg, grab Miss Texas by the ankles, and assist her in a thirty-count upside-down keg stand

"FUCKIN' A! GO LONGHORNS!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"

...isn't she charming!?!? And now from the Broklyn, Miss New York!!!

"Howyadoin'? Look, I understand there's a Mr. Reynolds of Atlantic City in the audience? Yeah, you, sir, 'Skinny' Reynolds. Get up here. Thank you...

"Next time Lou sez you owe him the juice..."

Suddenly a bat falls from the procenuim and Miss New York deftly breaks Skinny Reynold's kneecap. EMT's fix him up as she bows and exits stage left - lighting up a Virginia Slim

Wow, that example of Batsmanship is gonna be tough to beat! Next up, from Los Angeles - Miss California!!!!

"Good evening. For my talent, I'll need a married man from the audience. Wow! You're all so helpful! Hee! You, sir. Thank you. Now just stand right there while I adjust these kneepads..."

CUT TO COMMERCIAL FOLLOWED BY DISCLAIMER:

While we do not condone
Home-Wrecking, it is
considered a valid talent

...back to scene in time to hear...

"No, thank you, sir... Why, no, i never spill a drop..."

Erm, uhm... yeah. FromthefinecityofBillingsMissMontana.... no, no, no... get the fuck out of my way... I'M GONNA HELP MISS CALIFORNIA CHANGE GOWNS... I called dibs!

"Ladies and Gentlemen, my talent is Voluntary Bodily Emissions..."

Not two bars into passing wind to the tune of "God Save the Queen" all the men rise up, lift Miss Montana into the air and proclaim her the true Queen of the Real Man's America

They carry her out of the theater and down the street to Skeeter's Grill, where they drink PBR's out of 30 year old cans so they can make her a proper crown out of pull-tabs

 

  yeah. id get pay-per-viw to see that.


In other news....
Filthy sent me an email pissing and whining about how I never update and how sad he is baseball is almost over.

IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME. I pray for all series to be decided in a blowout sweep to get the fuckers to stop bunging up my TV scedule after having to put up with it for SEVEN MONTHS STRAIGHT.

Why does TNT show movies all the goddamn time? Because they're just killing time between Braves Games. Talk about a racket - Ted Turner pays himself so he can give himself the rights to televise his own goddamn team.

Oh, no, thats not a tax shelter of some kind... no way.

Dark Angel premiered tonight.

Mutants running loose on the streets, Lydecker is a semi good-guy, they finally shot that blond lesbian, and theres some new bad-evil-scientist name Sandman.

How do I know he's evil?

BECAUSE HIS AGENTS SPEAK FRENCH, THAT'S HOW.

Enterprise also premiered this week and one two-hour episode proved to be more interesting that the whole final 3 seasons of DS9 and all but the last season of Voyager combined.

Plus they got a hot big-titty vulcan chick.

And who doesn't just love Scott Bakula? I mean, the guy is everyone's Little League Coach for chrissake.

Yeah, thats about it.

Slap Out

29 Sep 01

PS - I forgot to mention that for only the second time in our marriage, the wife figured out the whole upcoming plot for this season of Dark Angel.

(There you go sweetie. Now start showing me that talent of yours...)

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