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Advice for young girls?

I don't really know where to start tonight. Two horrifying things were brought to my attention in the past 5 hours, things I MUST commentate about.

I'll start with the lesser of the two evils...

I'm watching Friends (which I prefer to refer to as my "Aniston Time"), and in like the last five minutes I getthe following slapped on my retinas...

Bill "please don't think I'm Satan" Gates' ugly-ass mug appears on the screen, totally ruining my Aniston-Mojo.
Bill is on the tele saying about how "25 years ago we started in a garage with an idea.." and how their mission was to make the computer more accessable to the common man or some such shit.

He then goes into the spiel about how Microsnot is going to be working on the "next generation" of computers...

Translation: Hello. I'm Bill Gates.

You all know me because I'm the only rich person you hear about on TV regularly because the fact that my personal worth is greater than the GNP of multiple third-world countries outweighs the fact that I am quite possibly the least photogenic person in the country.

I'm on TV because the government just told us we are bad. We're not bad. Would your friend the television allow you to see someone bad? Of course not.

I'm a good man, and I'm trying to make computers that are more like your TV, so you don't have to think.

Don't let the bad government judge hurt me, your friend Bill.

Kiss my ass, Billy

As if this wasn't mind bogglingly condescending enough, I get the mail and (because I'm married to one of them women in their mid-twenties but still wants to be 17 for some reason) the first issue of her subscription to Seventeen came today.
(WARNING: This site has more pop-ups than a good session of Whak-A-Mole.)


So I'm reading this, because - you know - the whole "know thy enemy" thing (look - we all know that for a 30-year-old balding man, The Seventeen year-old female psyche is "the enemy", so get the hell off your high-horse) and I see this article called "cool intentions"

Supposedly, this is how to instantly recover from "the most mortifying of moments" when young ladies are with boys they "like like".

This is a load of shit, girls. Listen to Unca Slap as he goes through a few of the supposed recovery techniques...

  • Problem: being a "klutz"
    ~ Seventeen - Be pouty. Say Ouch. make his protective side come out
    ~ Unca Slap - Get your stupid ass off the floor. Clumsy stupid pouty girls are the ones we fuck untill we're ready to marry someone with a brain and a sense of balance. If your guy laughs at you when you fall down, let it slide untill he tries to get in your pants - then remind him of what an asshole he was when you were embarrassed.

  • Problem: friends gossipping about your crushes
    ~ Seventeen - Use it as a flirting tactic with your crush
    ~ Unca Slap - Find out who let it slip, and whack them a few times with your books, then use it to flirt with your crush.

  • Problem: farting and belching around your man
    ~ Seventeen - ignore them bodily functions or cover them with humor
    ~ Unca Slap - Screw that. Men grow up learning that bodily functions are to be treated with due respect and to be shown off with pride, goddamn it. If you're gonna fart around your man, the that sucker rip! If the stench is bad be sure to grab his head and put your freshly-stanked ass right up against it.

    You may think its gross, but many a lifelong friendships formed at young ages between men are first based SOLELY on the fact that one of them can really clear a room, and do it with style.

    Really like to keep that boy around a long time? Light them farts - all guys dig that, unless they're big pussies.

  • Problem: bad kisses
    ~ Seventeen - keep kissing him and he'll get past it
    ~ Unca Slap - If you're underage and are worried about bad kissing, shame on you. If you're not underage and are worried abuot bad kissing - honey, thats what blowjobs are for.

  • Problem: I lit my hair on fire during chemistry class while looking at a boys butt
    (i shit you not, this is really in there)
    ~ Seventeen - Crack a joke about it, He'll find it cute!
    ~ Unca Slap - How you managed to light your hair on fire with your head that far up your ass, I'll never know. My advice to you is to stop reading shit like Seventeen and pick up a subscription to something that isnt 80% fashion ads (is fashion really that important in a world where you girls are supposed to be empowered? I think not).

    Maybe you should stop worrying about grabass and concentrate a little more on getting into a decent college, unless you wanna be one of them trophy wives....

add two more to my horrifyinbg realizations for the evening...
  1. The wife got her new handspring today. Apparently her life as a suit is so busy that she needs one of things.
    I'm just waiting for her to download a copy of minesweeper or something else vaguely useful to the thing

    wife note - i didnt want to let her do this, but shes the only person I'm alowed to have sex with, sooo.....

    Let's point out two things. He may want to slam the fact that I'm not all "rebel coder"* and shit and I make my living as a "suit" or whatever he wants to call it, but let's remember which one of us is paying for our posh new furniture* and our trip to Hawaii and our trip to Denver and the car and the insurance* and most other things of value around here. Where I come from that's not called a "suit," it's called a "sugarmama," and if I were somebody else around here I'd be a lot more grateful that I had one.

    AND it'll be a cold day in hell before I take up space on my Handspring with some useless game*. Excuse me but those of us who are "suits" actually need to use those things to organize our busy and demanding schedules, unlike some people who have time to sit around playing games all damn day long.

    I'm headed to bed, honey. If you're lucky when you're done playing on the computer all night you can come rub my feet and bring me some tea. Maybe.*

    Apparently a Handspring is to the Palm Pilot as the iMac is to a Real Computer.

  2. IKEA? Nothing more that "GAP Furniture"

Slap Out.

7 Apr 00


  1. I am NOT a "rebel coder". I far to much respect for them to be considered one.
  2. Posh New Furniture? I am plenty happy with my current cinder block shelving
  3. Let's also note who made the statement "I can't go without travelling... I just can't"
  4. oh yeah, about the car - which one of us do you think takes the fucking MUNI everywhere they have to go by themselves?
  5. "Useless Game"? this is coming from the woman that didn't want me to kiss her one day when I came home from work because whe was deep into playing "SissyFight" for the third hour...
  6. As far as rubbing her feet goes, this actually IS something I regularly do, but she fails to mention how its a payment for her constantly KISSING my ASS
Yes, girls, one day if you're lucky, You'll marry a guy just like me

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